We are the sum of the choices we have made before TODAY.
I sit and listen to the rain pound the windows and I can almost relate to the drop hanging off the seal. I had to let my daughter go and spend time with her father today and she is going to another state for a week. This may not sound like a big deal but it is to me. I have always been protective, and over bearing I will admit when to comes to my "moomoo", but these days things have seem to intensify.
Six years ago when I decided to have her, it was done without planning...it was me being young, thinking of just the minutes that held me at the time...not the tomorrows. We all fall victim to what feels good at the moment...but there is always something that is greater working and trying to clue you in to what the reality is. Well...I did not listen to that clue nor did I see it. I went with it...and she came.. and God knows she has been a beautiful blessing in my life and my being, but as they say everything has balance and something as beautiful as she comes with a price.
The price in this case is ..her father and I have not mutually agreed to come together to make a family unit for her with each other. We never truly saw things eye to eye and for some reason maybe we thought a child would help...but it doesn't. So God says here ...take this....the most precious gift you can have and now what? Well...nothing changes...people don't. Life happens....and now you have a life beside your own to cater, nurture, and make sure it is going down the right path.
If I learned anything from that past experience it is....when it comes to relationships...it takes TWO...and both have to be on the same page and agree to get to the same goal no matter how each chooses to get there...as long as both are striving. I am not saying he was lacking or I wasn't. Who is to blame becomes a lost cause ..a lost thought....and a place of irrelevancy. WE were the cause.
When the spilt happened I was fine. I never been more sure about anything in my life. The days, weeks and months after were fine until you deal with the present. My daughter has to leave me for a week because she has to spend time with her daddy right? Well..I sometimes have to get a grip. I just always wanted to have that strong family unit as I grew up in, that I benefited from. I must say fortunately my daughter is blessed to have a big family on both sides and she gets immense love from everyone...but it breaks me down to know that her time must be split. There are moments, experience that she will share and I will have nothing to do with it. As a mother you want to share EVERY moment that matters, that builds and teaches her something but based on the choices I have made...they will affect us both.
So ....instead of sulk, I rise. I give thanks for every single thread of wisdom that God has placed on my heart. Every single person who loves me and appreciates me and every situation that is happening to teach and prepare me for the joy to come. Life is good. She is healthy, she has people who really care for and love her in ways that are unexplainable. I am learning to cope and to accustom myself to the lifestyle that has been created.
I will always do my best to be her hero, protect her and love her unconditionally and provide the best possible means for her future. I take solace in knowing that GOD is in the mix always and this was meant for us...for now. Tomorrow looks bright and the future is ours for the taking.
This post was a therapy release....I do feel better even though I miss her much! DAY 1.